21: The Perfect Storm: Parenting through Puberty & Perimenopause
Ep. 21
When you're navigating your own hormonal rollercoaster and parenting a teen on theirs, life can feel like one emotional aftershock after another. Puberty and perimenopause—two intense life transitions—can create the perfect storm at home. Emotions run high, communication stalls, and both mom and teen can end up feeling misunderstood or alone.
It’s not just the mood swings or the changing bodies. It’s the deeper identity shifts happening beneath the surface for both of you. And without the right support, this overlap can fuel resentment, emotional burnout, and a growing disconnect.
But it doesn’t have to.
In this post, we’ll explore insights from Kianna Carter, LICSW, a community mental health expert who works with adolescents and women across generations. From setting loving but firm boundaries to practicing self-compassion and building intentional check-ins, Kianna’s approach helps to strengthen family bonds, even in the midst of major change.
Listen to the full episode:
The Perfect Storm
As Kiana puts it, this period is “a perfect storm in the worst way possible.”
Teens are figuring out who they are, navigating intense mood swings, and asserting their independence. Mothers in perimenopause, meanwhile, are moving through a profound transition of their own—grappling with fluctuating hormones, shifting identities, and the weight of cultural expectations to “hold it all together.”
The cruel irony? Just as your teen needs you to be emotionally steady, your own emotional regulation might be stretched thin.
Recognizing Dysregulation—In You and in Them
One of the first steps to staying connected through these changes is recognizing when your nervous system is overloaded. Many women operate from a baseline of chronic stress and don’t realize how dysregulated they’ve become until they snap or shut down.
Signs your nervous system may be dysregulated:
Rapid heartbeat in response to stress
Heightened irritability or reactivity
Muscle tension or shallow breathing
Sudden changes in body temperature or fatigue
Your body often speaks before your mind catches up. Learning to recognize these signals is the first step toward emotional regulation.
Simple strategies to calm the nervous system:
Box breathing (Inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)
Body scans (Notice where you’re holding tension and release it)
Butterfly tapping (Gentle bilateral tapping to soothe anxiety)
Setting Boundaries with Love (Not Punishment)
It’s tempting to avoid conflict or play the “cool mom” role—but kids need boundaries to feel safe. Boundaries don’t have to be harsh to be effective. In fact, the most impactful ones are set with empathy and consistency.
Try this approach:
“I get that you’re upset you can’t go to the party—it starts at 11 and your curfew is 10. That feeling of missing out is real. But we made an agreement, and that hasn’t changed.”
Yes, they might slam the door. But when boundaries are rooted in love and enforced calmly, they help create emotional safety—even when they’re met with pushback.
Model What You Want to See
One of the most powerful parenting tools isn’t what you say, it’s what you do. If you want your teen to learn self-awareness and healthy coping, you have to model it first.
Example:
“This conversation’s getting heated, and I want to be fair. I’m going to take five minutes to cool off, then let’s finish it—I want us to hear each other.”
This isn’t avoidance; it’s teaching emotional regulation in real time. And if you lose your cool (because you’re human), own it. Apologize. Reflect. That vulnerability builds trust and shows your teen what growth and repair look like.
When It’s More Than Typical Teen Stuff
Adolescence comes with its fair share of angst—but some signs may indicate deeper struggles. Here’s what to watch for:
Red flags:
Withdrawal from friends or family
Drastic drop in school performance
Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
Persistent apathy or low mood
Self-harm or talk of suicide
You know your child better than anyone and if your gut says something’s off, trust it. Reaching out to a mental health professional can offer clarity and support—for both you and your teen.
Create Space for Intentional Check-Ins
Forget the one-word answers to “How was your day?” Instead, create structured opportunities to connect.
Try asking:
What’s something you felt proud of this week?
Was there anything that felt hard or draining?
Is there something I can do to support you better?
For quieter teens, consider a shared family journal where everyone can write their thoughts and responses throughout the week.
Don’t Forget Yourself in the Process
This is your transition, too. It’s easy to overlook your own needs when your teen seems to need so much from you. But showing yourself compassion isn’t selfish—it’s essential.
Try reframing it:
“By practicing self-compassion, I’m teaching my child to do the same.”
This chaotic season won’t last forever. And while it may feel like a storm, it’s also an opportunity to model emotional resilience, to strengthen connection, and to build a relationship that endures through change.
The storms will pass, and the relationship you build through them can emerge stronger than before.